Keeping Calm and Carrying On

This crazy roller coaster of emotions is making me sick. Like literally sick. I have lost a total of 6lbs since last Sunday.
I manage to hold myself together all day long but as soon as I get the kids to bed and I am alone with my thoughts, I am a mess. Sometimes I think it could work out. Then I find myself getting angry and wanting nothing to do with him.
We tried to go back to counseling tonight. I just couldn't sit there and listen to him explain his feelings I am harboring too much resentment too much anger and bitterness. My biggest issue at the moment, why does he get to be so "hopeful" that we will make it work when he shattered all of my hope and plans for a future together. I don't think it is fair.
I am so thankful -beyond thankful for my amazing family who have been holding me up through these hard times. Some in prayer, other's literally. & Amazingly they swear to all stand by me if I do try to make it work. My stepmother replied to me "No one will ever blame you [think you are stupid] for trying" when I confessed to her I was concerned what people would think of me if I did "go back".
My family is also keeping me reasonable. As angry as they are for me that he did do this, they are reminding me to be a good Christian and a responsible mother.

***

But here is where I am now - There is no reason for me to try and disect what happened. I know it wasn't my fault. I know it had nothing to do with me. I know I was trying to do everything possible to make my marriage work. & now I am already to move on from the actual shock - to pick myself up and dust myself off. I don't know what will happen between us. I know what would be ideal but I also know that however it goes I will be OK and I will make it through this.
Our therapist said it would be best for us to both be in individual counseling to work through everything separately before we can even talk about the chance of reconciling.

I mentioned before that financial reasons were keeping me from going right to the courthouse. I was(am) lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, so I do not have my own income. & when we moved to this new apartment we maxed out Thurman's income on rent. There is no way for us to be able to afford living separately. Not to mention I was not at all willing to make RaeAnn switch school districts because of our martial problems. So we are living as "roommates" Thankfully this new apartment is more than big enough for Thurman and I to have our own rooms and pretty much stay out of each other's way. The situation is not ideal, but we are stuck here until the end of June at least (when RaeAnn finishes school) So it will be then that we decide whether to move seperately or move together. & it will be then that I complete another college program and able to *hopefully* put the past 3 years of hardwork to good use!!
So that is the plan. We both have goals, indiviual therapists  and we both know there is a "deadline" Now we just need to figure out how to keep it as normal for the kids as possible until then.

P.S. you can probably tell I wrote the first half of this post last night after counseling. The second half after getting a good night sleep and talking a nice long walk with Jacob this morning.