I am not in control.

Hello, my name is Jill and I am a control freak.
I may have already confessed this once or twice before.
I've always seen it as a good quality to have. I like to be organized. I like to plan. I like to be prepared.
But apparently right now it is my Achilles heel. Trying to control my current situation is making it harder to deal with and bringing on unnecessary stress. My therapist brought it to my attention at my appointment this week - they are good at that kind of thing, I suppose...
I was telling her how I am still so confused about it all and she told me to stop, stop trying to plan everything out. Stop focusing so much on the future and take things one day at a time. No decisions need to be made right now. & even more than that it really isn't my decision to make. Everything is depending on Thurman's therapy and I have absolutely no control over that. I can not make him change, he needs to want to change for himself. That is the only way we would have a chance to make a relationship work. It really is all so cliche.
I have been making a very good conscious effort in my opinion to give up control and concentrate on "one day at a time"... my main focus is the kids and school and being the best me I can be.
but now we've run into a new problem...
It's not easy living together and not because of reasons you might think. It's hard because what is easy is falling back into old routines. Sitting in the living room together, watching our favorite shows, laughing Talking about the kids turns into talking about our days and eventually we start talking about everything. Which is good. We are communicating. I keep saying to myself this is either going to end up in the most amicable divorce in history or we will get back together.
But it is hard. It is confusing. There is a constant battle raging in my head - I don't know if how we are handling things is right and I think this may be the part the therapist is talking about not controlling. I know everyone handles things differently- but on top of worrying about my feelings, I'm concerned Thurman will get too comfortable and will start to think "things" are ok and not want to continue therapy. I've voiced my concerns to him. We've talked a lot about it but he says he knows he needs therapy and he is committed to therapy.
Have I mentioned yet, how much I hate that this is my life right now?! I will be 30 in less than 2 months - we were supposed to start looking at houses and deciding where to settle down. I was supposed to be able to continue to be a SAHM until Jacob was in preschool (at least). We were supposed to take the kids to Disney next year. There are so many "supposed to's" that have been replaced with this terrible uncertainty that I am not allowed to even attempt to control!!!! I hate this all. But I am hanging on...barely!!!

p.s. Jacob Matthew will be 1½ in two weeks !!! I promise a big update on the kids soon!! and maybe even a bonus Halloween post too!!!