I really had been working on an update. It was comical, witty, with lots of pictures. Jacob Matthew is now 17 months old, walking, climbing, getting into EVERYTHING and making sure everyone is always laughing - He is great!! RaeAnn is six and SASSY!! But she is still so sweet (when she's sleeping hahaha!)
Our move to the bigger apartment went well. RaeAnn graduated Kindergarten. I graduated my business program with my Associates degree. We had fun in Colorado visiting my brother. We had fun on our impromptu road trip to Sesame Place (in Langhorne, PA). I started back at school to get my Medical Coding certificate, RaeAnn started 1st grade in her new school and while it was hectic at first now she loves it and is fitting in well.
And now I need to tell you where it all went wrong. Through out all these amazingly awesome times, Thurman and I were struggling - fighting constantly, fighting more often than usual. Until finally he couldn't take it anymore. He asked for a divorce. I swallowed my pride and asked for counseling. He agreed. We both still loved each other we just needed help getting ourselves back on track - or so I thought.
This past weekend I was blindsided in the worst way. Thurman had been cheating. I found an email that was never meant for me to see. That I was NOT looking for. Thurman chose not to disclose his infidelities in counseling which to me feels like the worst betrayal of all. I thought we were already at the bottom of the barrell. I thought we were both commited to rebuilding and making our marriage stronger. I had faith in us. But now I feel like there is nothing to have faith in.
This wound is fresh and new and painful. Right now all I want to do is divorce him move on, find a way to co-parent amicably. Those are my goals. My mom has said not to do anything to quickly. & due to financial concerns I can not anyways. Thurman is in therapy. Thurman is at the bottom of his own barrel now. He still has faith in us.Thurman does not make very much sense to me at the moment.
This is a journey I never wanted to take. A journey I tried my hardest to avoid. Definitely never something I wanted to write about. But I find myself compelled to write. I turned to blogging in what I thought were my darkest days dealing with multiple miscarriages. & so now here I am again in uncharted territory. & back to wanting nothing more than to use my blog as my own personal therpay.
I wish I had updated sooner and with happier things to write about. Hopefully happier days will be ahead.
Until then, the kids and I are holding up ok. They are keeping me strong and busy! I promise I will update more often and I will strive to make the posts happier!! but bare with me if I can not always keep that promise!
oh jilly! sending you lots of hugs and prayers. if you want to talk please let me know. I know I can tell you from the outside looking in to continue pursuing therapy and open up those lines of communication. But I am not in your shoes. I do know what betrayal feels like when James came to me about his struggle with masturbation (while thinking of other women) I felt SO terrible about myself. I didn't trust him. We went through a series about making your marriage pure. There are Christian books that would probably be a good tool for you both. And then there is the fact that coming from divorced parents I can tell you it does leave an impact on your children, even if you hope it won't.
ReplyDeleteLove ya Jill, please don't be offended. I am just so sad to hear about this.... :-(
Thank you for the support Jess! My parents divorced when I was very young as well, that is one part of all of this that is just killing me. RaeAnn has had a lot of questions and we have been in touch with a family therapist for her. Jacob misses his Dad I know. But he is seeing them this weekend. Thurman is staying with a friend from work while we "cool down"
ReplyDeleteI want nothing more than for my family to be together - but there certainly is a lot to work through and all we can do is pray (and pray and pray some more!!!) and see where we end up.
I don't even know what to say expect that I am so sorry. This is absolutely horrible and I hate that it is happening to you. I'm definitely praying for you and your sweet kiddos.
ReplyDeleteI have only just seen this (I read a more recent post before this one) and wish I knew what to say. I went through a very minor and no children involved version of this (nothing compared to your situation) and I think it's hard no matter what when the person you've committed your life to makes a decision to betray you in the most awful way. I am truly sorry Jill and wish I had better words of wisdom or advice for you. But it's the kind of thing that you two will have to work out for yourselves based on what you both want - and I want the very best of happiness for you, no matter what it means. Love you.
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