Wishful Thinking

Sometimes I catch myself daydreaming about having another baby. A lot of my friends who were pregnant with me two years ago are expecting again and it's just got me thinking about that third baby I had always planned on having before struggling to get pregnant with Jacob.
I get my hopes up when my cycle is running late... I am on the pill but I tell myself  it's only 99% effective, there is still a chance!
But I'm about 85% sure it just isn't in the cards for us for numerous reasons...
 #1 being I still haven't had a normal cycle since I had Jacob even when I am on the pill. Then there is the cost, I sold all of Jacob's baby things the swing, the carseat, bouncer, etc. and Thurman could possibly be jobless within the year. Another big concern,  the stress it would put on our marriage...I hate that it is a reason on my list. But it is the truth. The sleepless nights, the crazy hormonal moodswings, postpartum depression, low libdo...It would all take its toll and while I think we are stronger than ever there is just not telling how we would handle things when faced with everything a newborn brings, going from 2 kids to 3...and  I love our family of four. One girl, one boy, two parents. Equal teams. We have our routine down. Plus I know Jacob would be extremely jealous and have a hard time adjusting...he still doesn't like when RaeAnn and I cuddle! 
And then possibly the craziest reason on my list...I worry about trying again and not so much the possibly of more miscarriages, but we have two perfectly healthy children and I feel greedy to expect more. Like I said, crazy! Plenty of people have more than two children and they are all healthy, my mom has 6!   But I can't help but think what if... 40 weeks is a really long time to fill my head with lots of worry and stress!! I sometimes still wake up and check to make sure both kids are breathing. Like I said I just can't help the worry!!

So much to think about and consider and while I love to daydream and still love to pick out baby names, while I really would love to be pregnant again, and I still hope that we might have an "accident" I think we really are done. We agreed that when Jacob was 3 we would decide if  Thurman should take permanent measures. So I have a year to make 100% sure that we are.