Definition

I can't imagine how it is for someone who has tried to conceive even longer than me to go back to just being a regular girl again...Even though my ttc journey was short, it is hard to go back to "normal", especially with all the fun facts I learned about my girl parts and my cycle ;) It's hard to ignore it all. How do you go from being completely obsessed with your uterus and all it's functions to no longer having much a need for it anymore & being ready to close up shop ? It's a hard role to define, especially at 28. And that is where I find myself today, only 7 weeks postpartum but feeling more like 7 weeks  postmenopausal.
And while I am relieved to know I will never have to buy another OPK, never chart another cycle, and never see another negative pregnancy test it still just makes me a bit sad. But there isn't a need for concern anymore. We are done having babies. & I was certain my entire pregnancy, it would be my last (every ache & pain solidified my decision) but then I totally rocked the delivery room and regained confidence in myself as a woman. After pushing out a 10 1/2 pound man baby in 21 minutes like a rockstar, I realized my body really was made for making babies, and amazingly cute ones at that!! 7 weeks later I still am incredibly impressed with myself and how amazing I was, I really can't brag about it enough, so please excuse me :)
But even after such an awesome delivery and taking home my sweet boy, I have to remind  myself, there is no reason to tempt fate, we have one healthy beautiful girl and one healthy handsome boy, what more could we ask for especially since nothing in life is guaranteed? & there is no one who can promise me we would never have another miscarriage or an even longer journey next time. & yes of course another beautiful baby would make it all worth it in the end but too much is sacrificed along the way and I don't have it in me to go through it all again. I do not have the strength to put my family through it all again. Our year of trying really took me away from them and I feel guilty about all the times I chose to lie in bed feeling sorry for myself instead of taking the time to enjoy what I did have.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am blissfully exhausted happy with my two babies but now that Jacob is here I know my journey is over and it is something I am having a bit of a hard time coming to terms with. It is a weird feeling to be done having kids when most of my friends my age are just getting started and I have to admit I am jealous of all the baby bumps I've been seeing lately ...well maybe it's more that I am jealous of their innocence. Not that I know every one's personal story of how they ended up with their bump, they might have struggled as well, I just wish things could have been different for me. I wish I could still be looking forward to deciding to try for that third baby a couple years down the road, making Jake a big brother, enjoying just one more healthy pregnancy...or not - it should have been our decision to make later in life, under different circumstances.

This is my life now.
& It is wonderful. & I am blessed, I do know that, I promise you.
I am slightly convinced these feelings might be influenced by a touch of the baby blues, and I will get over all this and embrace my new life and I will find a new obsession, the gym might be a good place to focus my obsessive behavior or maybe finding more new ways to torment my kids by dressing them up in funny outfits. There are endless possibilities! Stay tuned friends!!