It was a bad day yesterday, obviously. I just couldn't keep it all in anymore. I broke down. All the worry and pain, it just exploded in a big mess. I was home alone with RaeAnn at the time and my poor girl just wanted to know why her mom was so sad . The guilt of not being able to hold it together in front of her just made me cry more. The stress and depression I have been dealing with is starting to effect my family life. I wish I wasn't so stuck on the time issue...maybe my biological clock is starting to tick (am I old enough for that??lol) I am really going to work hard on letting it all go, trusting in God. I know now that it's time to take a step back, leave it alone for a while. I have a beautiful healthy daughter and I need to be here for her, not crazily obsessing over what may or may not be. Our family life works for us right now. We are happy and content. (when I'm not dealing with a crazy mood swing) Sometimes I think this is God's plan, giving us time alone with just RaeAnn to love her like crazy before adding to our family. But I feel it in my heart too that RaeAnn needs a sibling. We were at the park the other day and there was a young boy playing tag with his sisters and RaeAnn was trying so hard to get in on the game...it broke my heart, she needs a sibling, not just a playmate for now, but a friend for life. I was blessed with 7 siblings and while growing up I didn't feel very blessed ;) I know that I am so lucky to have them all. Who else is going to understand your crazy parents as well as you??
Today I am doing better, living with Thurman and RaeAnn it is hard not to smile even when you feel your worst, they are goof balls! I still don't know how I feel about the future, giving up and moving on still feels like the easiest thing to do. But I want to work on letting go of my timeline, living in the moment and being truly happy with all that I DO have! And I guess we will continue to try to take it one day at a time and see what God has in store for us later in the year.
A friend recently told me "Nothing worth having comes easy" (so unbelievably true)
Thank You all for your continued love and support ♥ it means a lot to me.
I love the pure honesty of your blogs Jill and you are nowhere near old!! ♥
ReplyDeleteKatie, April 28 at 3:20pm
I agree with Katie.... I love that you are completely honest. Reading your blog.. actually helps me a lot. Not necessarily just in the realm of babies and family.. but in a lot of other aspects too. and Jill.. there is no way you are old. Not even close.
ReplyDeleteTara, April 28 at 3:26pm
Jill both your Dad and my Mom had babies into their 40's so you're definitely not too old!
ReplyDeleteGayle, April 28 at 3:41pm
"Nothing worth having comes easy" Rob says that ALL. THE. TIME. And he's a rocket scientist so it must be true. It's okay to have bad days, they help you appreciate the good ones all the more. Things will work out you're definitely not too old.
ReplyDeleteChristina, April 28 at 4:17pm
I love this. I think things will work out much better when ur less stressed and worried. You have plenty of time and you have to enjoy life for what it's worth. Heck maybe u can come to Vegas with us this summer and get a well deserved vaca ;)
ReplyDeleteJill, April 28 at 5:21pm