still worrying, still trying to figure it all out...

Me and my crazy hormones. One day I am talking baby names with Thurman, the next day I am too scared out of my mind to even think about trying again...today is a "next day."
It has been about a month since it happened so I've been expecting my period (sorry if that's TMI) and I thought it was here earlier in the week...but it's I guess it's not. (that is TMI and I will spare you the details) Of course my first instinct is to freak out and and worry that something may be wrong! And all of that worrying leads me to start thinking about how very scared I am to try again. How in the heck can I not be? I can't imagine going through this for a third time...and I am worried that maybe there is still something we are overlooking. This could be my crazy hypochondriac personality getting the best of me, but I think paranoia is warranted in this situation. (And yes, I realize that all this stress could be what's keeping me from having a period, I'm trying to relax...)
I thought that after getting my test results back I would be so relieved. Now I am realizing I would have been more relived if something was wrong because then they could have fixed it. I'm a realist, relying on medicine over faith seems more practical to me.

This whole process has really made me struggle with my faith. It was never strong to begin with...but I know these past 9 months have been a turning point in my relationship with God and I haven't decide which way it has turned...
I thought that I had figured out God's plan through all of this, why He took Thurman and I down this path...but it makes me really angry to admit it...because I don't want to admit to anyone else that maybe they were right...Obviously the decision to have more children is between Thurman and myself and we talked about it A LOT when he was in Turkey. We also had some family members share their opinions with us about the matter. Some suggesting that maybe it would be a good idea to wait...to settle in to being married again before adding another person to the mix.
It was really hard for us being apart for 15 months and obviously our families saw that. We had our ups and downs, but when he got home, we were up and definitely in a "honeymoon" phase. We felt like the time was right so we chose not to use birth control and leave it up to God.

It hurts my heart to admit that maybe God thought we should have waited as well. And I've justified, in my head, his reasoning for the the miscarriages as opposed to not being able to conceive at all was that it would have brought on it's own source of stress that would have caused even more problems for us and while obviously the miscarriages were very stressful, going though everything together brought us closer, we could not heal with out each others love and support.

(*just a little side note...I have always been crazy paranoid about my ability to have children, which is why we decided try to have RaeAnn when we did because my doctor at the time told me I might have some difficulty due to some past health issues, which apparently weren't really an issue because we conceived her with a month of stopping my birth control. But I gained a lot of weight during my pregnancy and I kept it on for about 2 years before attempting to lose it. So the whole time Thurman was gone and I was getting back in shape I was quietly fearing that the damage had been done. I was worried about being overweight and possibly having PCOS and I was doubting my ability to conceive. So When Thurman got home, yes I did want to rush right into it! Not to mention, RaeAnn wasn't getting any younger, I never really planned on having children so far apart and the military took those 15 months away from us. Before Thurman got his orders to Turkey we had planned on starting to try when RaeAnn was 2.)

I want to believe that this all happened because He trying to make sure I know that He is in control. I need to quit trying to plan everything out. Having the babies the perfect age apart, having baby #2 in the month I want, this all isn't up to me and I need to let go. I need to stop worrying and give my worries over to him...I know this...but it is so much harder than I ever thought it would be....