bad dreams

I've been having some really bad dreams lately, nightmares actually. & I shouldn't say lately, It's been for the past 13 weeks. Dreams about miscarriage, dreams about finding out that my pregnancy isn't real... It is always such a relief to wake up and know that I am still pregnant, but I wish I was as rich as Tom Cruise and could buy my own ultrasound machine, so I could check in every once in a while :) I really wish the baby would start moving and letting me feel him. That would be a great relief.

I think this month especially is just taking it's toll on my subconscious. October is "Pregnancy and Infant Loss remembrance day" & October 6th was the date of my first miscarriage and I only remember this because it was supposed to be the next baby's due date. The day came and went, I didn't dwell on it because I didn't even realize the date, and also because even before I got pregnant this time I had come to peace with my past. It was a really hard road to walk, but I was able to make it with all the love and support from my family, friends, and most importantly my faith
Obviously it is still a part of me though or I wouldn't be dreaming of it...even as each week passes with this pregnancy, with each successful doctor's appointment, with all my symptoms, deep down I am still filled with fear and doubt. And I think all I can do is lean on my faith more and just continue to pray for a healthy baby and know that God is listening.
God is Good...All the Time.

I can't wait for our doctor's appointment next week. We were only able to see the heartbeat when we had a check up at 11 ½ weeks so hopefully at 14 weeks we will definitely hear something this time. I think we are even planning on bringing RaeAnn with us! She will love that!