big sister

When RaeAnn was about 1 1/2, I was rummaging the clearance rack at Babies R Us and found a "big sister" t-shirt in a size 4t, it was marked down to $4 so I grabbed it. Thurman and I had always discussed having at least 2 babies, maybe even 3. We never considered having an "only child"...well maybe when RaeAnn was a colicky, teething baby there were days when I thought maybe it wouldn't be that bad of an idea to keep her as a singleton :) and now that she is potty trained, in a big girl bed, and starting school, we ask ourselves "do we really want to start over?!" But I don't feel like our family is complete yet. And I am not saying RaeAnn isn't enough or that she isn't the most awesome person I have ever known...but I feel it in my heart that something is missing.
Thurman doesn't agree with me completely. He told me he would be content with RaeAnn being an only child and he said if we were told I couldn't have another baby he could accept it. But I am pretty sure I am not the only one in the family that feels this way, I know RaeAnn wants a sibling. She needs someone to grow up with. Who else is going to be able to completely understand her when she says he parents are totally insane?! :)

Since RaeAnn knew I was pregnant this time, we were really talking it up and I showed her the t-shit I bought for her 2 years ago. I asked her if she wanted to wear it when she told the family the good news. She was very excited about my idea.
The very next day I had to rush to the doctor's office. We tried to explain to her what was going on and we thought she had understood it because she stopped asking about the baby.
We Should have known better...just the other day RaeAnn was playing in her room when she saw her "big sister" shirt hanging in her closet. She came out to me and said "Mom I am so mad that you didn't let me where my big sister shirt yet"
It's like she literally knocked the wind out of me. I felt so incredibly guilty. I didn't know what to say to her. All she knows is that for the past 7 months all Thurman and I have been talking about is her becoming a big sister and she knew there was a baby in my belly and now she can't understand it when I tell her the baby is gone.

And I wish I could be comforted knowing that since she is a child she'll soon forget all about this. but she never forgets anything! RaeAnn has a memory like an Elephant. She still talks about Thurman being in Turkey and she can remember which movie she was watching when we had a car accident last Fall.
I will pray for her. Pray that God will bring to peace to her heart and help her understand and accept what has happened, a lot to ask of a 3 1/2 year old, but I am starting to have faith.