**disclaimer**
sorry if this is hard to follow or full of grammatical errors, i can't bring myself to keep rereading it...it was hard enough just to write it...and it isn't even all that I wanted to write, but it just got a little too emotional
It happened on Friday night and I was so relieved, I finally felt like I could truly start to move on. It was very emotional, but I was not totally hysterical like the first time. I felt in control of the situation and I thought I got through the whole ordeal in one piece. I went to church yesterday and thanked God for being with me and for giving me the strength, I thanked Him for making it easy this time....For "bringing me through it..."
But I am no where near "through it".... Last night it all hit me, in video montage format, I remembered falling to my knees,crying hysterically when I first saw the blood on February 11th and begging God to not let this happen again, I remember the first Ultrasound when we were hopeful, the second when we knew we just had to pray harder and then the third and final one and I heard the doctor tell me again it wasn't a viable pregnancy...I have been in complete denial. I was trying to convince myself that I was able to accept the first miscarriage so this one shouldn't be any different. Standard text book...7 stages of grief and everything could be done. And we would do what we have to to try again And we would get out happily ever after...
Who the heck was I kidding?? I didn't accept things, I just gave up. I was praying for the end. I wasn't praying for my baby. I gave up. And I know I had the diagnosis and there wasn't anything I could do. But I just gave up, I didn't pray for the baby. And now it is over, the baby is gone and I am empty and heartbroken and unbelievable angry.
I AM so angry at myself. I don't know whether to cry or scream or punch something. How could I ever in my life accept the fact that I lost another baby. What in the world is wrong with me!?
Last time I tried to convince myself I was strong enough to deal with this just one time. I can accept the statistics of 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage. I could deal with being a statistic. ONE TIME. That was the key. The only thing that healed me last time was trying again. I didn't prepare myself for how empty I would feel if I miscarried again. I didn't think about how on May 7th, my original due date from September will come and go and I will not have a baby, I won't even be pregnant. I will be empty. And I will go through all these emotions over again. And on October 6th, the day of my first miscarriage and my due date for this baby just passed (what a nice coincidence I thought that would be)...I will be faced again with all of this...I am not strong enough. I am not sane enough!!
don't ever say you are not strong enough Jilly, you are one of the strongest women I know. I know when we talk I may not always say what you want to hear but if you need someone to talk to and just listen call me, tell me to shut up and let it all out. I love you very much Jill -- Dean
ReplyDeletedon't ever say you are not strong enough Jilly, you are one of the strongest women I know. I know when we talk I may not always say what you want to hear but if you need someone to talk to and just listen call me, tell me to shut up and let it all out. I love you very much Jill
ReplyDeleteDean, March 14 at 9:55pm