why?

Like many women who have gone through this terrible experience before me, I have been trying to figure out what I could have done differently, what I did wrong. I've been beating myself up for the small iced coffees I had a couple times a week, for forgetting my prenatal vitamin one day and for waking up from sleeping on my stomach...They all sound so silly right? I know they do. Especially after I found out yesterday about a woman close to me who was addicted to narcotics before she got pregnant and is now on a detox pill that is harmful to her baby, but her baby is healthy. I got so incredibly angry. I wanted to know who up there thought that was fair. (And why she felt that I was the right person to talk to about the whole situation. One word...SELFISH.)

And then it got me thinking about when I was pregnant with RaeAnn, before I took the home pregnancy test, I had gone out drinking for my birthday and I was still smoking ciggaretts but actively trying to quit. (RaeAnn was planned, but we were told it was going to take some time getting pregnant so I thought I had some time to wean myself off of the nicotine, as soon I we got the positive test I never smoked again!) I know a lot of moms have similar stories about a crazy night of partying before realizing they are pregnant and also have beautiful healthy babies, weird though because they say the first 4 weeks before you know you are pregnant are the most important...So if I was able to have a healthy baby back then coffee shouldn't have really mattered this time right? So then it still just leaves me here wondering why. I thought I was doing everything right but I guess no matter how hard you try nothing is guareenteed so you shouldn't ever take things for granted and I thought we had learned that the first time.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I didn't know which would be easier to deal with having something be wrong with me and being able to take medicine to fix it or being completely healthy and not having any answers as to why these two pregnancies didn't work out...Right now I feel like no answers and a lot of hope and faith for next time is what I want. I don't want something to be wrong even though it would justify why I lost two babies.

That is my big prayer request right now. Please pray for me, my health, and my future babies. RaeAnn is convinced it will be twins next time!!