still "pregnant"

I've been having a really good past couple of days, minus the occasional mood swing (he he he) I have been happy and laughing and joking and really starting to accept what has happened. But what I am struggling with is that it really hasn't happened yet. Technically I am still pregnant and I know what is coming and it is going to bring me right back to where I was last Thursday when we first heard the bad news. Not to mention hurt a lot.
I wish I could say that I will be strong this time and I hope that maybe after just having gone through it 5 months ago, I can be...but I just don't think this will ever get easier. I have lost 2 babies. Two babies I will never know or name or hold. My heart breaks in a million pieces every time I think of them.

My only Salvation right now is RaeAnn. I am so incredibly lucky to have her as my daughter. She drives me crazy about 80% of the day :) but I love her more than life itself. She loves to cuddle and loves to make everyone laugh. She is very smart and perceptive and has a scary 6th sense.
RaeAnn wants to be a big sister more than anything in the world! She told me there was a baby in my belly about a week before I took the home pregnancy test (that crazy 6th sense I mentioned) and she was very excited when I told her she was right.
When we found out the bad news I tried to explain to her that the baby isn't in my belly anymore and that she isn't going to be a big sister just yet. RaeAnn is very stubborn though and still talks about everything she'll get to do "when she's a big sister".
She has more faith than me right now...I wish I could be as resilient as her.

Anyways, I am going to be calling my doctor tomorrow to make an appointment to discuss a d&c...the longer we wait the harder it is going to be to move on and I know in my heart it is just time to move on...