going crazy waiting...

I don't know why this time around I am not staring at a calender thinking about what would have been happening inside my womb at this point in time. I don't feel as empty as I first thought I did. And I am not as angry as I was when everything finally happened. It kind of bothers me but I am glad I have the strength to move on and get out of bed every morning to take care of RaeAnn.

I am taking a more objective approach this time...instead of "why me" I am dwelling on "what in the world is wrong with me!?!?" Having babies was supposed to be easy given my genes (My mom has 6 kids, her mom has six kids, my dad's mom has 5!) What is it not working?? While Thurman was away in Turkey and I was working my ass off in the gym, my biggest fear was that my weight was going to keep me from even getting pregnant. But that is not the problem we are having. We can still get pregnant on the first try, I just can't seem to stay that way.

I still have not heard anything from the doctors, but I have to wait until the end of the week before I call them demanding answers ;) I swear if they already have my results and they haven't called me I am going to channel my inner Charlie Sheen!
Ok, ok...maybe I am not that crazy yet...but I am getting there. Every waking second there is a battle in my head, half of me is trying to come to terms with having something be wrong and the other half is trying to calculate when I will start ovulating again. It's maddening.

I just want some answers and I know that even after discussing the lab results I still might not have any...