And next week when I go in for my appointment they will ask me, "How many times have you been pregnant?" and "How many babies do you have?"And I will have to admit out loud, 3 and 1. From now on no matter how many more children I am able to have, I will always be reminded of the two I lost.
But lately I've been feeling guilty that I don't even think about what I am missing. It makes me angry that I can sometimes forget that I've had two miscarriages. I've just been so focused on the future.
Thurman's sister is expecting at the beginning of September, a month before I would be due with our October baby, so I am constantly reminded of where I should be. But it just doesn't click in my brain like I thought it would. I'm not sad. I don't even know how to explain it. I love talking about babies and pregnancy with my friends that are expecting. It makes me happy and I don't dwell on the fact that I am missing out...it's weird.
I don't know I am kinda just rambling here, but I had to get it out, sometimes the guilt can become overwhelming....I stumbled upon this quote shortly after my March miscarriage...it didn't bring me much comfort then...but I think I "get it" now....
7/13...I think what I meant to say last night was it's not that I've forgotten, it's just that it seems like it was so long ago. That is what I have to keep reminding myself of...I just lost a baby in March...only 4 months ago. It just seems like years have past since...
reminding myself with all this blogging is taking it's toll on me, I am starting to get angry again.
I hate writing, but I can't stop. I want to be positive but I am losing the battle.
You have to remember people deal with grief differently. And that you already have been blessed with a beautiful little girl. Don't beat yourself up. I am sure you have bad days too. I think miscarriages are harder when you don't have a little one to hold. So the curiousness of pregnancy and going through labor is still a dream and a mystery. Yet, you already know what this is like. Which in turn probably makes it easier to talk to women about pregnancy and babies. You aren't looked down upon for not being part of that group and longing to talk about it. Something done unintentionally by other moms, but it happens the" you'll know when you have kids" comments etc. Now I'm rambling..time for bed!
ReplyDeleteHaving RaeAnn does make it easier, I don't know how I would be dealing with this without her.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time it makes it a bit harder, because I know it worked once, so it doesn't make sense that we are having such a hard time now.
I know what you are talking about as far as other mom's go and looking down...trust me it isn't just looking down on women with out children, I was at the playground talking with some other moms and one of the woman said to me "oh you wouldn't understand, you only have one kid, it's so much different with two"
people are just incredibly rude.